We fell for each other immediately. She told me that she was separated but living in the same house with her husband for the past two months, living in separate bedrooms and separate beds - that there is no physical or intimate contact, that the marriage was unfixable. The tone of this conversation sounded like a woman who was not in distress, but had healed - it was introspective, had depth, reflection, etc;
It was not the focal point of our night. It was just a segment. It was a light night, no flirting at all. When saying good night, I kissed her very polite and tenderly. Short. She was reserved and hesitant but we both knew we wanted this to happen. It was a beautiful moment in our relationship.
Because she lived 250 miles away, our relationship evolved over texting and Facebook (and phone) for the first three months. We did see each other once during that time on a group event with friends and family. If you read the texts and chats, you would believe this was a movie script. The depth and emotion of the words, expressions were so beautifully authored that it's a beautiful read (I still have every single one). I'm a good writer, however, the love that was coming out of me was evolving from the heart and soul of this relationship we were nurturing.
Three months after we met, we made love (on Easter weekend). Everything about the moment leading up to, during and after was love for me. I want to make clear, I'm not a weak man, appear weak, clingy, needy or unattractive. I'm a strong and attractive man very experienced in relationships, love and romance.
As we entered into this depth of relationship, I asked for clarity about her status. She said the status was the same, that it will take some time to end a 21 year marriage and that her husband is a very good man, and she wants the divorce to evolve through counseling so that he is not devastated emotionally because he is very much in love with her. She told me the counselor had asked them to sleep in the same bed so to not make the kids aware of a marital problem and also because the counselor felt that's what they should do as a couple, but she kept reassuring me and asking me for her trust (if not demanded at times). I made very clear to her that I do not "double dip" and asked her to be completely honest with me if she enters back into a physical relationship with her husband because it would be the right thing to do for me and to end our relationship.
One month after this, signs (flags) led me to believe she was being dishonest. I questioned her about the intimacy with her husband. She confessed that on Valentines Day she was intimate with her husband and she told me it was "nothing", meant nothing, that it's out of the obligation of the marriage and when we make love it's "love" but with him it was to just give in that one time. My reaction was hurt and in my distress I told her that I would have to tell her husband. She was at her parents during this conversation and she told the parents that she was having an "EA" with someone from HS but she didn't say it was me (because according to her, she didn't want to ruin a chance for our future by saying it was me) and that this person was going to call her husband. So, the parents immediately called the husband and let them no. She asked me to come over right away so we could talk. She was in tears and we both decided to protect our future for her to tell her husband that there was a person from HS that "threatened" to tell her husband that he was having an affair because she would not enter into one. So, now, I am becoming part of a lie and I'm confused but feel somewhat responsible because I reacted to her betrayal of "us" with telling the husband. As you can see, emotions are taking control of the situation.
One month ago, I finally confronted the situation because no movement, decisions were being made and signs were becoming more aware to me and she confessed that there was never a separation, she has been intimate with her husband the entire time and she told me that she was separated because she knew my values and knew I would not get into a relationship with her and she didn't want to lose me. She said she meant every word she said, loves me and wants to be with me and reiterated the sexual obligation to keep him from suspecting anything and that she does plan on divorcing him but wanted to do so the right way emotionally because he is a good man, not abusive, etc;.
2 weeks ago, she tells me that her husband found out that we were in a relationship because he stumbled upon a love letter she planned on sending to me that she had written. She had begun individual counseling that week. She said they have physically separated and living in different houses as result. She invited me to visit her in her town one week later. A lot of circumstances to long to express here - but - I caught her in more lies and the biggest one being the husband and her are not separated in two different houses. The odd thing is she let me listen to a voicemail of his that said "I know you are with him, I don't give a *hit what you do to me but I do give a *hit what you do to our kids" and also she showed me a text where and employee of her husbands said "sorry for your separation". However, both nights I was in town visiting her, he spent the entire night there and she said it was unexpected. There are SO MANY more details and situations, but, it all added up to nothing adding up, lies.
I don't know if I did the right thing, but, I wrote a letter to the husband. It was a compassionate letter to everyone involved - him, her, myself, the kids. It was not vindictive, the tone was mature. I felt betrayed and lied to. I still believed "her love" and that she was (because she said to be over and over again) stuck but after 6 months of no movement and the stories of how everyone in her family is suffering and I'm suffering and she is suffering (she says), I wanted to bring everything to the surface with the "thought" and "belief" the response would be not good, but that ultimately everyone would get it all out on the table and share information - like mid-40's adults. She had told me that "he" knew everything about our relationship after he found the letter.
Well, what I received was the most painful, hateful letter from her that she does not love me, will never love me, can't believe that she thought she did, does not have one ounce of respect or love for me, will never forgive me, don't ever contact her again, I destroyed her family because "she" "fell into" a life of self-destruction and evil.
It's been almost 2 weeks, I've heard nothing from her. I had a static Match profile that she created a new profile, looked at my profile and then she removed hers - that was after 4 days.
I shared with her, everyday, since January until August 7th - a love story (I thought). My friends and support system challenged that love because I wrote the letter to the husband and that despite betrayal and lies (there are so many more than what is written here), I would protect her. I have a pretty good source that is telling me that she built upon the original story that she has NOT had an intimate relationship but I wanted to. Some of my friends are telling me to not be victimized and send all of the texts, FB chats, the one nude photo she sent over text, her cards, two pairs of her underwear - full disclosure because she is still lying, protecting her nest and victimizing me. Then others say, walk away......and others say it's my fault because I knew she wasn't divorced. My defense to that is I believed every word she said to me and we I carefully entered into this relationship through talking with her thoroughly and the emotions that supported them. I feel I was played, lied to and, deceived. I don't feel like I am at fault. Here is something else that is important to me, I was sexually abused as a child and it took me a long time to overcome this and relate sex to mean expression of love and commitment. I shared this with her before we became intimate and after because I was trying to be very careful every step of the way. And she said that she would never hurt me, I can trust her, let my guard down, etc; Now, I feel I've been used for sex and feel abandoned. I don't know my place anymore - where I was right, wrong, or made a mistake and I go from one moment to the memories and then to another of the loss, to another of wanting to reach out, to the other wanting to expose more details to the husband to clear my name, to just cope. I've lost 13 lbs since the which makes a great diet plan, but, the truth is, this is a tragedy emotionally for me. I would appreciate constructive and thoughtful feedback. I don't know how to best cope or handle or interpret what has and is happening. Thank you. P.S. Please understand, a lot of detail is omitted because there is so much more, just know that I believed and thought I was in an exclusive, monogomous relationship and believed every word I was being told and entered into this "separated" relationship very carefully, but I was lied to from the beginning.
Source: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/53948-im-om-betrayed-my-story.html
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